Shannon M. 0:08
Hi ladies, I am Shannon Mitchell, a black millennial business owner, the founder of shallow glow LLC, an all natural skincare company that helps you glow from head to toe. I am a champion for your daily self care, business care and intentional wellness.
Christine Gautreaux 0:21
Hey, y’all. I’m Christine Gautreaux, a white social justice advocate, and international speaker, coach, published author and dancing social worker who helps you upgrade yourself and community care.
Shannon M. 0:35
Together, we are women connected in wisdom, a podcast grounded in the eight dimensions of wellness.
Christine Gautreaux 0:39
And we like to get together every week for intentional conversations between us and special guests about how to be wise in business relationships and wellness. And we’d like to do it with special guests because we believe in being connected and lifting up other people’s voices in addition to our own.
Shannon M. 0:57
Yeah, yeah. And that’s how this started, you know, we were at manifestation Mondays. And you know, a lot I know a lot, you know, people I know people, but we knew that. But we had by ourselves. So wasn’t enough, we needed other women. So meeting every week was amazing. And that’s the whole point of the podcast is bringing that energy on air to everybody else. And not just about what Shannon knows, in my opinion, you know, or what, you know, but hey, this is who I would call if I had a question about finances this who I will call if I had a question about, let me tell you what happened at work. What do you think, you know? And so yeah, let’s talk about it. How do we do this?
Christine Gautreaux 1:35
You know, I think cuz my background is as a social worker, and one of the things I love is giving people resources. And so one of the things I love about our weekly conversations is stories, personal stories, our own and our guest, and then resources. So people walk out of here, and whether they are jotting notes as they’re listening, or they go back to our show notes, they can literally click on links and be like, oh, yeah, that’s a great resource. And I love that my friends,
Shannon M. 2:05
and I used it. I think it was Laverne. She was talking about the and correct me if I’m wrong, maybe it was Jennifer talking about the salary calculator when you would be able to put in the salary. You take home, right. And I used it. So I’m definitely glad you know that I had a timely resource. And it wasn’t me, hoping that my math was correct. Resources are important.
Christine Gautreaux 2:29
Well, what are we talking about today? My friend?
Shannon M. 2:31
Yes. So today, we are talking about social wellness. And social wellness is about the ability to nurture ourselves, others and our relationships with healthy boundaries, and includes balancing the other seven dimensions of wellness, and actively participating as an interdependent being in the web of life.
Christine Gautreaux 2:53
For our people who are listening on audio, the balancing on our show notes is in quotes, and it will be in the upcoming book that’s coming out in September. But we intentionally put it in quotes because I had a, you know, that term balancing is so elusive, right? I had a teacher one time tell me it’s about the journey to balance not the actual moment. Because it’s hard to stay in balance, especially when we’re juggling so much, you know, families, careers, health, friends, the world, you know, what does that all look like? Because, you know, we’ve we’ve mentioned, I think, especially when we’re talking about social wellness before, we’ve mentioned Stacey Abrams book, leading from the outside where she talks about life, work Jenga, right? Like it’s a game and that there’s sometimes you’re gonna pull one slot and pull from another and you know, you’re still having the balance, but occasionally it may fall down, and we have to rebuild it, right. Yes,
Shannon M. 3:53
absolutely. And you talking about your professor reminds me of a professor who told me that I should say no, Shannon, you have to say no, sometimes. And especially as women, we’re taught to say yes to this yes to other people and what they need from you. So I know when podcasts I was talking about how we’ll talk about my projects and things that are going on with certain people. And because I’m great at building teams, they’ll want to have me build something for them. And it’s like, well, wait a minute. I didn’t say I was available to do that for you. So just making sure that we use yes or no wisely. You know, I
Christine Gautreaux 4:29
love that. And I love what you just said because I it took me years to figure this out, Shannon and you’re much wiser than I am at a younger age. Like just because we’re good at it doesn’t mean we have to do it. Because here’s the thing I know about you I know about me, I know about almost all the women I’m connected to we are good at a lot of stuff. Right? And there’s just not enough hours in the day to do it all and so yes, the saying no, you know, we talked about this and Stillpoint the book sheet When I wrote we talked about it’s the it’s a skill of self care. It’s the fifth skill of self care is healthy boundaries, and saying no, in order to say yes. Right. And,
Shannon M. 5:10
and I mean, for me, it’s also in the first step of self care is the sorting and separating. I said no, because it’s not mine, not mine, right? Oh, not mine, not my responsibility, and not in an avoidance of potential. And you know, being intentional about wellness and reaching your potential and purpose in life, but genuinely not picking up the weight of other people or other situations. That’s not your security, you know. So that’s how I use it
Christine Gautreaux 5:37
well, in discerning, right, what is ours to carry? Because, you know, one of the things I’ve been thinking about a lot this week, and I know, we’re not talking about environmental wellness today, but I think I still think it needs to be spoken. Because when you look at the temperatures across our nation right now, and we look at climate change, and we look at, you know, I was talking to my mom, today in Texas, they were over 109. And I was like Mom, was that like how it felt like the and she’s like, No, no, that was the actual temperature, it probably felt like it was 120. Right. And that’s dangerous. And you know, I think about that, and I think about in regards to wellness and in guard in regards to what is, you know, we’re saying yes and no about boundaries, and what is ours to do? I think honestly, it’s all of ours to pay attention to that and make change and and demand that that our legislators and big companies make change around this because you know, it’s going to take us all, but it’s obvious that things are happening faster than than we planned on. So, should we go ahead and bring up our guest because I am so excited to introduce her to our listeners, and I am so excited to have this conversation with her about social wellness. Yeah, let’s do it. All right. Let’s do it, y’all. So I should have looked up the first show she was on and I forgot to do it. You want to look that up while I’m introducing her. Our guest today Courtney Dorsey is a life coach, a blogger, the host of the online talk show talk sessions with CO and an upcoming author in the book Women connected in wisdom with her chapter Miami beaches in Georgia peaches, and we are so delighted to invite onto the stage today life coach co
I am digging this whole vibe you got going on today my friend. Thank you. That is a summer time vibe with those glasses in that hat.
Courtney Dorsey 7:48
Oh, thank you so much. It’s so good to be on guys. How are you?
Christine Gautreaux 7:53
Hmm. I would say overall Well, right. I would say overall well Hold’em a lot in the world between grief and gratitude. But when we talk about social wellness, I didn’t even tell Shannon this ahead of time. I would give myself an a plus for the last weekend about social wellness.
Courtney Dorsey 8:16
Oh, wow. Do tell.
Christine Gautreaux 8:20
So Friday, I got I it was the day off. It’s usually day I don’t schedule clients. It’s one of my ketchup days and things like that. So Friday, my youngest is home from college and asked me to take her bestie and her partner kayaking. So we snuck up to the north Georgia mountains to go kayaking had one of the best floats we’ve had all season. We got to see river otters, we saw over 300 turtles we like it was incredible. It was just great. Overall float right. And then Saturday, I taught a life practice for helping professionals all day, which is you know, I love my work I love and and to me that is part of my social wellness because you know you’re interacting with your clients, you’re doing things like that. And then I jumped off and drove over to Alpharetta to the to the audit amphitheater, to see the chicks in concert, my first outdoor concert in over three years probably Oh, wow. Right, right. And then I’ll tell you on Sunday, I mean, it was a big weekend, y’all. And then Shannon and I had a photo shoot with native Pharaoh. And we did a big ol photo shoot for a couple of projects we have coming up. And then I met some other colleagues at the lake to have a business meeting at the lake talking about wellness like we’re swimmin and we’re talking business.
Courtney Dorsey 9:53
Wow. And then I wrapped it up
Christine Gautreaux 9:55
with a family dinner with good family friends. So It was a little over the top. That is not my norm y’all for my listeners and my friends. They know that’s not my norm but I like what just happened there.
Courtney Dorsey 10:10
I’m a constant person. I’ve been going to a lot of concerts lately. This year probably went some more concerts than ever because you got to I went to see baby face I went to see Maxwell it’s been so many went to see tank and live Jennings and with EG just just a bunch of concerts. I’ve just been feeling it and I’ve been going to different places like different concerts like different areas of like places I’ve never been and I was just like, man, Georgia got some stuff. They got some jams in the corners.
Christine Gautreaux 10:50
Well, I’m especially these outdoor amphitheater. Yeah, like,
Courtney Dorsey 10:55
see, really nice. Oh, I haven’t been there. Yeah, that was really nice. Now the one that I went to, because I went to see Maverick city, and Kirk Franklin, that one was a bit, you know, but the one that enables him was so awesome.
Christine Gautreaux 11:11
All right, we’ll have to put a link to that in our show notes. Life Coach comm before we get off the subject, I just You said Kenny G right. Yeah. All right. I have a funny Kenny G story. Are you ready for it? Good. So when I was in labor with my first daughter 24 years ago, she It was Christmas time. And you remember when his holiday album came out? And it was a big deal. I know that’s older than you are. But it was a big deal. And it is the only thing I wanted to listen to when I was in labor. Well, y’all, I was in labor with her for 18 hours. And I listened to that record on repeat. And it’s so beautiful. It’s beautiful, right? This kid plays the violin. She plays the cello. She plays the keyboards. She hates the saxophone. I think I ruined her.
Courtney Dorsey 12:03
Saxophone can be a little hard on the ears. I’m not gonna like different ones. I’m not. Right. But there
Christine Gautreaux 12:13
are different ones.
Shannon M. 12:15
The phone? Is there a soprano saxophone? Yeah. Yeah. See? Yeah, there’s different ones that have different pitches.
Courtney Dorsey 12:22
And it’s just I was just so amazed. Like, I was so full. And that was one of those social experiences where I was able to sit around and talk to people that I’ve never met before. You know, I’ve always had this this dream of having this Sex in the City life experience, you know, having my heels running across the street, looking back for no reason. And I just had the whole experience going see Kenny G and just having a conversation and sipping wine and watching him play getting on this. Yeah, it was amazing. It was amazing.
Shannon M. 12:54
I love it. I love concerts. That was me at the Jay Cole concert talking to people I didn’t know. And when by myself. Beyonce concert, went with a friend and I was upset. Because I was late. And concerts have been like something I’ve been looking forward to that people have made me late to write three songs. I’m sorry. I miss you back in high school. It wasn’t my fault. And so I look forward to it. And I’m actually looking forward to the Beyonce concert coming out. I haven’t seen any dates. I don’t know. How
Courtney Dorsey 13:28
would you say Trey Songz got canceled?
Shannon M. 13:31
Oh, that got canceled.
Courtney Dorsey 13:34
He got a lot of allegations with women and
Christine Gautreaux 13:37
oh, that’s not good. Amateur out there.
Courtney Dorsey 13:41
You know allegations. Gosh, allegations.
Shannon M. 13:43
I hear what you’re saying. Okay, so
Christine Gautreaux 13:46
and we have to take those seriously.
Shannon M. 13:48
Yeah. Wellness. This is how I found out you know, sometimes you don’t you don’t know what’s going on. So we got to stay updated. But I thank
Christine Gautreaux 13:54
you for bringing that out.
Courtney Dorsey 13:56
I was a big fan. I was a big fan. So I was really, you know, everybody that I’ve been a fan of lately have you know, you don’t need some healing. So
Shannon M. 14:06
the concert I was going to let that was the whole situation, you know, because not every Jana said I really had to question myself. Like, I love the music. What are the course of the values, though? You know, like, what are we standing on? So,
Courtney Dorsey 14:20
Franklin said in an interview that was actually really he was on a Breakfast Club, and he said something, he was like, you know, do you separate the person from the artistry? And he was like, I don’t think we were created to separate it. And I was like,
Christine Gautreaux 14:36
Well, I think also there’s this. There’s this culture that was created before social media got so before people had access, right? I think there was this culture that was created with celebrities, whether it’s in the music industry, whether it’s in the chef industry, really just around celebrities and stardom that they got to act, how they wanted to act in it. In got to do what they wanted to do you know, that thing that goes with power and politicians too. I mean, when we think about, it’s attached to people that used to could get away with anything. And now with social media, with people being connected at our fingertips, you know, millions of people, people like, No, you don’t get to get away with being that way, or treating women that way, or being, you know, it’s not okay. And I mean, it’s been happening, you know, since the beginning of time, I think we’re just at a place in history, that we’re getting to call people out or call people in and say, No, you know, and some people handle it. Well, you know, they’re like, I apologize, I made a mistake. And some people continue to have the bad behavior and try to think they got enough money to hide it.
Courtney Dorsey 15:49
Yeah, and that’s just the bad culture. And the thing about is that it’s not like, I’m a big promoter for canceled culture, either, because I think they have some toxicity in with it too, especially when we don’t have all of the facts and we don’t have all of the legalities behind anything. So we just have to tread lightly. What’s, what’s the facts? What was the truth out there? What are we presenting, and then go from there, but to just cancel all of these people and just cancel your friends, I think that canceled culture has affected our social wellness as well, you know, putting it all together. It’s like, if we have zero tolerance for everything across the board in a way that’s manic, I think that’s the better way to put it, then, how are we going to navigate through our relationships with our friends and our partners? Because we have to be serious about our boundaries. But we also have to be serious about grace and mercy as we’re navigating our relationships with people because we’re not perfect either. I want people to give me a little something, you know, I got a lot from I get angry. raise my voice. I don’t want to get canceled, you know.
Shannon M. 17:05
I mean, I think what you said can’t be understated enough. You know, I think that is the lack of the middle ground for me, is a lot of times when we have the conversation, oh, well, either I’m confrontational or I’m not confrontational. But every time we communicate, it doesn’t have to have that energy. You know, I can say, hey, Courtney, what happened at the meeting? I don’t understand why when I say something, and this is just hypothetical, right? If I were to say something, then you cut me off, and I never finished my point. She might not even realize that she does it. You know, it doesn’t have to be a while you always cut me off, like all this the hostile. You know, but then I also think and what I’ve learned dealing with countless situations in hospitality and management, you don’t know how that person is going to receive it. Right? Even if you’re operating from a healthy place, like you said, they may be traumatized and happening you again, this the give and take in the in the conversation. So when you bring it back to facts, and the policies and procedures of the organization. That’s what what has helped me work through the stages of conversation, because it might not all be solved in that initial conversation, right? I had a there was a gentleman that I had a difficult relationship with the first time I was at the pappadeaux, Windy Hill location, he said that I was messing with the section XYZ for three months. And I said, Bob, we’ll call him Bob, I haven’t been here for three months. So if you’re having this problem, then it’s not for me, and let me do whatever I can do to help you let me know, you know, we have to communicate in a timely fashion. By the time that I was leaving that location over a year later, we had a great relationship, you know, and had I handled it in a petty way or manipulative or condescending way, who knows where that would have gone, you know, but instead, I as a manager whose job it is to serve and support myself, it’s my responsibility to handle it a certain way so that over time everybody can be taken care of.
Courtney Dorsey 19:09
But that’s important what you just said, you don’t know where that Petey and whereas if he’ll be able to handle the situation where it would have went look at where it’s going now we see it all around. Atlanta, people are getting shot and killed behind I put mayonnaise on a sandwich and that’s not me joking.
Shannon M. 19:28
Oh, no, I’ve been talking about it. I’m like I’m not at work. I am not getting shot because somebody got upset we’re gonna handle the situation
Courtney Dorsey 19:35
we’re going to what do you need? Like I’m not I’m not I’m but it’s a check. It’s a check in so many different ways. One, how are you handling yourself and managing yourself when you’re talking to people and going through conversations. Unfortunately, I didn’t come from a household that we converse much in a in a way that I could bring out to the world You know, I didn’t know how to communicate. And I didn’t know how to handle my emotions at one time. And it was something that has to be learned over time. So again, going back to one that grace and understanding but and evolving and growing, but also extending that to other people, because we don’t know where they’ve been. But we also have to get to a place where we start to challenge ourselves to say, Hey, I can’t take everything so personally to the point where it stops my growth. And I say that, again, because I once I was too sensitive to accept any type of criticism or critique from anybody. And it didn’t benefit me in a way, it just kind of left me in an emotional place, highs and lows all the time. And then when I started to learn how to communicate, and talk to people, those relationships and foster well, and it’s the same thing with, you know, having new relationships with different people, they take it so personally, when you’re doing things out of love, and you are willing to end friendships over that just because we can’t have a conversation. And we can’t do it. Without the patio, we can go inside dungeons, meaning going our secret place where we supposed to kind of have some good conversation with ourselves. But we convinced ourselves that we are right and justified in our feelings of anger, pettiness or anything like that. That prevents us from being good friends from growing. Being a good mom, sister, RMC there’s so many different things that go into social wellness.
Christine Gautreaux 21:39
Right? Well, I think what you’re naming CO is really important, like about first of all, just naming the emotions, right? We talked a couple of weeks ago, I think it was about Brene Brown’s new book Atlas of the heart, where she basically says they’re most most people have an average of three emotions. And that’s happy, mad and sad. And in the book, she went into how many she go into Shannon, it was over at,
Shannon M. 22:12
like, actually haven’t read it yet. I don’t know that how extensive it was.
Christine Gautreaux 22:17
Right? But it was a lot of emotions, like so I think that piece of us knowing ourselves as being able to communicate, I mean, even with ourselves, like what am I feeling? What am I? What am I experiencing here? What is happening, right?
Courtney Dorsey 22:32
honest about it, right? And honest, because I started to be honest, I was like, if I’m calling my sister, and I’m just I’m like, I miss you. I want attention. You know, like, it’s not, I’m the youngest. So just call it out what it is, instead of, you know, being aggravated, that she may not be receptive, or whatever, like I just say, Hey, I miss you right now. I need attention I need to be to be loved. I need to feel your presence right now. Or, you know, just telling your friends Hey, you know, I know that I don’t handle pain well, so I’m going to be irritable, so don’t expect me to be my best. When I’m in pain. When I’m, it’s that time of the month or when I got my teeth extracted. I’m not going to be nice, and I can’t be that respectful of feelings when I’m in that much pain. So just you know, give me some space, you know, just being able to say those things. And sometimes it may be overwhelming, it may not, but you can trust in yourself and you can feel confident in yourself or just being honest about your feelings.
Christine Gautreaux 23:38
Well, I’m what I heard you say their CO was asked for what you need. Right? I have a thing that often happens to me that I started asking for what I are asking other people to ask for what they did. Because often people are project on to me and they’ll be like, you’re too busy. You’re too busy, you know? And I’ll be like, Am I too busy? Or do you need attention? Or do you need like, and it’s like, just ask me for what you need. Like, if you say I miss you, Christine, and I want to schedule a time for you. Any of my friends know, I’ll be like, Alright, let’s get it on the calendar. The thing is, is if it’s not on the calendar, it’s probably not going to happen. It’s just the way my life rolls, right? We got this podcast, we got a convention, we got the book, like we got some stuff happening. And I’m not too busy for my friends. But I will tell you, if somebody keeps telling me, I’m you’re too busy, you’re too busy. You’re too busy. Like, I’m like, huh? No, because I run my life, like how I want to run my life. But if you want my attention, tell me that and I’m gonna give it to you. So
Courtney Dorsey 24:45
that’s a big deal for relationships. And for friendships. What what do you need for me that I make him provide? I’ll tell you if I can give it to you. Or I can’t or I can tell you that I’ll try because I’m not perfect. You know? If you You know I’m just not you know, at this time of the day usually around three o’clock I am at my lowest social energy. So I will put my phone on Do Not Disturb and take a nap and I’ll be right back up ready to be back at it but my social energy has a time throughout the day because I’m an extrovert but at that time of the day I am one from one to like four I am no good.
Christine Gautreaux 25:26
Can I just point out to our listeners, I just want to take a pause and a deep breath and a celebration right there for what you just said Life Coach co what a strategy that you know, your rhythms enough that that your time that you put your Do Not Disturb on. That’s a brilliant strategy, my friend I’m sorry, Shannon, you were about to say something I just had to highlight that because that was a masterclass right y’all right there y’all for but it’s listening.
Courtney Dorsey 25:55
Did you have to like I had to keep trying, I had to keep reiterating that to people because they will call, they will call why your phone’s always. I told you. I had to keep telling them I had to train really like it was a training process because I’m like, I’ll be out and about all at night. I’m running around. I’ll be out and about in the morning. But when that middle part of the day, naptime Lauren otter nap time.
Shannon M. 26:27
So I have so many comments. So this is what I hear you saying, and I used to be definitely a law and order. I feel like I grew up with Olivia. Okay. But then when we talk about social because we are women connected in wisdom, right? I started thinking about this stuff, and started taking classes in college right with the professor I was talking about that told me to start saying no, when classes in Africa, African and African dear Sports Studies for my minor. And it’s like, wait a minute, why are we so entertained? By women getting attacked? I have a problem with that, you know, and then the fact that we don’t listen to women when it really happens? Well, that’s a catch 22 You know what I mean? So I kind of had to separate myself, I still love it. I for the entertainment. I try to separate those things. But it’s difficult to separate all the those things, right. So when we talk about social wellness, I think about things like that, but what we’re when we’re talking about what the story that you just told Coach, Coach, when I think about it, I hear you saying, How can I best support you? Right? And I didn’t realize that was such an important question until I was working. Just that top golf. And it came up in the conversations I would have with my team. And it’s okay, well, if you don’t communicate Shannon, that that’s what you need in this situation, then how will they know? Now if the system is ran the way it’s supposed to be ran, then certain things happen. But we’re all human. So things flow in and give and take every day and situation. So it might not always go like that, when that happens? How do we make sure everybody still has what they need for the goal to be met for the objective to be reached? Right? Friendships, or professionally? And I think that if that question was asked, and this was exactly what you ladies were saying, too, but I think sometimes you because we talk about business and, and personal in a business situation that this phrase like supporting, then, for me, what I’ve seen on my teams is that it changes the way that people think about it, you know, Oh, that makes sense. Why I was mad that you didn’t do this, but you didn’t get that message mentally. It didn’t even translate what I said to you that way, because it wasn’t in a way that you in a way that you feel supported. Does that make sense?
Courtney Dorsey 28:46
Yeah, you know, going over, you know, being supportive that question is how can I be supportive came from a lack on my end, because I didn’t feel supported? And, you know, and it’s not to play the blame game because, you know, sometimes people, okay, you know, I’m not going to, you know, go psychological all the time or whatever, like that. Some people are just trash. I mean, we just gotta be, be honest, you know, some people don’t. They, they’re, they’re self centered and selfish. And until they see that that’s how they’re going to be all right, cross the border. So maybe they’re not the best friends. But for sometimes not asking for what you want, and not knowing yourself and knowing what you need is is more heartbreaking than anything for you because you can’t support people in a way that they need because you don’t know yourself. And you also can’t tell people how you need to be supportive. So people may not even know that you need support. So I started to want to be the person that I wanted other people to be for me. And that started to reflect, hey, I don’t want to assume that I understand everything that they’re feeling and no, I don’t want to assume that. I know how they need to be supported. How about I just ask
Christine Gautreaux 30:01
Hey y’all, this is a great place to take a break. Take a deep breath, and hear from our awesome sponsors that make women connected and wisdom podcast possible. Shana, we are so grateful that Shayla glow is the sponsor of the women connected in wisdom podcast. And I wanted to take this moment to ask you when you think about the people who use Shayla glow, what are we talking about?
Shannon M. 30:25
That’s a good question. I think about three groups really, one, the group that’s removing hair, right, so whether you’re using laser hair removal, waxing, shaving, you got to make sure that you’re putting back what you’re taking out. The second group, I think about those with dry skin, and the problems that that might cause right, the scars, itching, burning, whatever the situation is, you definitely need all three steps, right? The exfoliation making sure you’re taking the dead skin cells off the oil, putting in the moisture and in the shea butter with the aloe, sealing it helping you heal those things helped both groups, right. And third, for the third group is those with chronic illness. You know, the story is personally from cancer and different diseases that our population is dealing with on a daily basis throughout families as individuals. So I’m thinking about my mom and my grandmother, and those around me with the same generational ties, right, and what positive healthy habits, we can start to make sure that we’re maintaining our wellness, especially because the skin is like the cape, the exterior the shield for your immune system. So with COVID, we have to be intentional about covering ourselves. And those are the groups I think about. I
Christine Gautreaux 31:38
love it. And you know what else I love about your product? It’s all natural, handmade. And it smells great, y’all, so yay.
Shannon M. 31:48
Yes, Esthetician tested and approved. Yes. Yes. What about you? When you think about your company? What groups of people do you think about?
Christine Gautreaux 31:57
Well, you know, I work with individual coaching clients, I work in community classes and with corporate teams, and with all of them, I use a strength based embodied approach to help folks connect with themselves and access joy, reduce burnout, and build resilience. You know, especially during these times, I think we need it, I think we need all the hashtag partnership power we can get.
Courtney Dorsey 32:20
Yes. How about I start offering people what they want, and what they need and what I can provide, instead of just thinking, How will I want it? Because sometimes you ask that question, but it’s a surface level question, how would I want it? Let’s go a little bit further and say, Okay, how would I want someone to talk to me, but how does this person needs to be talked to, or something like that, because you of course, I want somebody to talk to me what care, but maybe this person needs care. And a little bit more, you know. And so I wanted to start to reflect that in my relationships with people of being a better friend, because I thought I had it all together just by being a counselor or being in psychology, just knowing all the mind and how the mind works. I thought I had it all together, or just knowing what I didn’t want to be like, you know, just because I’m overall not an ugly person. But it still wasn’t enough. Once you start to get into adulthood and start doing life with people, it becomes more serious that, hey, I need to be supportive of my friends, I need to show up for them in the ways that they need me to show up. And I also need to create healthy boundaries, because we can’t run around like we used to do in high school. We have to we have lives like you have a right over there like fairly you have a life you are managing as well, like, so the expectation has to change. And often people say, expectations don’t have any expectations, you won’t have any disappointments. I don’t know if I can live like that.
Shannon M. 34:02
And for me, it’s the it’s a couple of things, right? So it’s the capacity, that’s something that you keep bringing up right in high school, the capacity, maybe you had more time. Now if you have to work a certain amount of hours to get a salary where you have to get a certain amount of hours to make sure that your income is what you need to cover your expenses, then of course, we’re not going to be hanging out after school because work lasts longer than school did you know and or if there’s a multiple year pandemic outside and people have passed away, and we’re holding both grief and gratitude, maybe my capacity for outside situations is less because I’m holding the weight of my now increased layered, you know, situations. So that’s that’s what I think about and I hear you on the expectations, right? I think that it’s healthy to think that way on one side of the coin, but again, it’s about balance or the Django of the situation, right? Because there are Though boundary, so even if I allow you to be who you are as a person, and I love you as as the beautiful flower that you are, I can still say, Hey, if you talk to me out the side of your neck, we can’t be best friends, if you sleep with everybody that I like, we can’t be best friends. So I’m not saying that you have to wait until you’re married when you’re 37, to do whatever you want. But if I like him, and you sleep with him, then we can be friends.
Courtney Dorsey 35:27
I mean, that is, I love that I love that you put it that way, like, you can stay the way that you are, I don’t have such I don’t have so I will, I will challenge my for I’m sorry, I just can not do it. Because I love you. And if you know God put something that means so just, you know, to say I will do it.
Shannon M. 35:48
I am sharpens iron. But
Courtney Dorsey 35:52
if you if this is what you want to do, and this is how what you decided to do. But one of the things that I the question that I came up with is you don’t see a problem with it. And I have to try to make you, you know, see the problem. And that’s not something that you see, then that means that we’re at a crossroads, and I have to decide, am I going to deal with this from this person cannot deal with it? Or is this person going to change it? I would rather walk away, because I’m not going to try to force somebody to change because that is that ends and a lot of heartbreak, Gus?
Christine Gautreaux 36:26
Well, I don’t even think it’s possible. Right? I think that a person has to if they want to change, they can definitely change. Right. But we can’t change other people. I mean, I think we can we can be in relationship and be supportive. Like y’all said, one of the things that was coming up as y’all were talking, I was also thinking about, you know, how we want to be treated, but often also having a conversation about our cultures and how things might be different. I don’t know why it was kind of when y’all were talking. But I was thinking about like, in my family of origin. When somebody’s at the hospital, everybody shows up. Everybody, like it’s what you do. It’s supportive. everybody shows up, and I grew up just that’s what you did, like, you know, and I didn’t realize that not everybody does that that way. And I know that’s changed after the pandemic too. But you know, there’s things we all have growing up and things we all have, that we think are supportive, right? I mean, when you think about it through the lens of the five love languages, right? I think our families as units sometimes have love languages. Is it the food? Is it the showing up? You know, is it the hugs? What is it? And I think our friends do too. And so having those conversations and having those and I mean, it’s boundaries, it’s what we’ve talked about, right? What does feel supportive? Because you know, Mona, My Love Languages is food. Shannon knows this because anytime she goes down, I’m gonna like what can I send you? Like, can I bring you food? Can I Uber Eats into what what? You know, because to me, that’s like what you do when somebody’s struggling, right?
Shannon M. 38:11
I was up in the air. The other day, I thought about you how you sent me that Panera.
Christine Gautreaux 38:16
But you know, that’s not the same for everybody. And so and it’s not the same for all our friends. I have different friends that have different love languages. One of the other things I want to say before I pass the mic back to you all is a couple of years ago when I was really working on boundaries. I started having this affirmation for my friends. I want healthy, playful, reciprocal friendships. Oh, right. And it was amazing. When I started looking at my friendships through that lens. How many dropped away? I mean, it doesn’t mean we’re not friends, but they may be in the outer circle, right? My inner circle, healthy, playful, reciprocal friendships.
Courtney Dorsey 39:00
You know, I love that. I love that. And when I talk about social awareness, and we talk about friendships and stuff like that, I, you talked about your culture, family and stuff like that I actually wanted to challenge my culture. And as black women, African American, black American women, that we have to learn how to be better friends. We’ve been hurt. We’ve been pushed aside. Like Shannon said, you know, we have become the butt of jokes and are, you know, entertained by being attacked? We have so many different things about ourselves that has has been attacked and challenge and it’s hard. I sympathize and empathize. I get it. But I think the one of the answers because it’s never just one, but I think one of the answers is community. As we are women connected in wisdom, we need to be connected and community, and we have to get quality friendships around us. And the way to do that is to be a quality friend, to start there. And as she said about the reciprocal, you know, having that affirmation, you know, because this whole thing about, I don’t need no friends, I don’t need nobody. It’s not true. It’s not true when you are down and out, and you don’t have anybody when you’re sick, and you’re on the floor, believe me from oral surgery being on the floor. And I don’t want to make it seem like I didn’t have anybody to call or anything like that. But just imagine in those moments, when you don’t have anybody to call, and you don’t have any source to go to, you know, you can feel like that’s great to live a life alone, but it’s not. That’s for an introvert extrovert, dog, lover, animal lover, anything, we are meant to be in community, we are a community within one body. And so I just want to challenge that because I just hear that so much as you know, being a blogger, and servicing women and black women being my major audience. I just, I see so many people that just hurt, they don’t get poured into enough. And they’re so angry, thinking about what friendships, they’ve lost, how they’ve been messed over and things like that. And even me, I still have to challenge myself to not live in that unforgiving space. Because I want to get mad I think about it. I’m like, so that’s that’s really how you’re going to do me, that’s how you’re going to cut me up like, you know, you get there. But you have to be willing to let it go to get to a better space, because having wonderful friendships in your life, make life worth living. Having wonderful relationships that you can foster and grow in your life makes life worth living. And that’s with Miami Beach, and Georgia pieces. My book chapter is really talking about the death and grief of a ending of a friendship. So find who you are. So find out what you need and the support and things that you need. And the lessons that you’ve learned in that.
Christine Gautreaux 42:13
And it’s powerful. And if you’ve lived any amount of time, I think that we’ve all experienced that. Like I think we’ve all experienced false friends or friendships that have gone awry. And I know we were talking before the show about that friendships can be messy some time. And you mentioned a book you were reading life coach co what book were you saying about social wellness that you were reading recently,
Courtney Dorsey 42:36
um, I was reading a book by Sarah Jakes Roberts called Women evolved. And it’s about, you know, going back to the creation story with Eve and tying it into the birth of Jesus through Mary. So it’s going through that whole process of redemption and overcoming that these women had to go through persecution, all of those different things that they had to fight through, and tying that back into how we go through that every day in our lives. But then, what struck me is that Sarah, Jake’s Robert says something so powerful, she was like, you know, sometimes I feel like we view our friendships through the lens of a fairy tale. But just like we have with relationships, over romanticizing relationships with Prince Charming, and I was just like, Hmm, so she was saying that, you know, all friendships are not going to last throughout a lifetime. And in every season, it is, I don’t want to be premature and just saying that you have to cut everything off before it gets to that point, or whatever. Because we don’t know when it’s coming all the time, guys, you know, it happens. And unfortunately, in life, we can’t protect ourselves from every little thing. But sometimes when we have those red flags, and we have those signs that it’s time to separate and move forward, is not it doesn’t have to be a hostile takeover. It doesn’t have to be a hostile situation, it can just be just moving forward, and letting that person grow into their individual that cares, their purpose out and yours as well. So it’d be joyful. She also said, and what special moments you have with one another? And you know what you guys brought to each other’s lives.
Shannon M. 44:23
Yeah, and I think that’s so important, you know, that, realizing that that everything is in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, really helped me I realize I was trying to make everything lifetime stuff. You’re not going to be the same exact person in the same exact environment when you’re 60 as you were when you were 16. You know, the way you just described, it made me think about plants, you know, they grow, you trim stuff off. We were talking about that last week, you know, and you prune it and you do different stuff to let it continue to live and be taken care of. So for me, that’s why I go back to the Four Agreements. that I learned about when we were in manifestation one days one day. And if you don’t know them, if you’re listening they are, do your best, be impeccable with your word. Don’t take anything personal, and don’t make assumptions, you know, and that that helped me a lot. You know, there’s so much that I’ve done for people who I was close to, but again, that was before I was requiring people to apply for the position, if you don’t want to be super close, then I was just making people close. And then being mad when they weren’t operating. Like they wanted the job. Like, they didn’t ask for it, you gave it to them, you know. So that’s not personal. It was my I had to realize that it was my fault that I had allowed these people to hurt me as hurt as I was. So when we sort and separate, that one was on my plate that I stayed as long as I did that I allowed certain things to be okay, you know, and that can change your, your capacity that you have to deal with. But something else I wanted to talk about too, was with our expectations or our boundaries, we also have to remember our, our time and our finances. You know, I hear a lot of our ladies talking about stories about certain relationships, whether they’re business or professional, maybe somebody at work that you’re cool with, and you lent some money, and you couldn’t afford to. And now we’re in a situation, and it’s changing the social dynamic of both personal relationships and work relationships, or home relationships and romantic relationships, you know, but that’s not necessarily a personal thing. That’s not me saying, Now, Courtney, I don’t even care about you like that, I can’t send you no money for your Georgia Power. That’s a financial capacity that’s limited, because I’m a black woman in the United States. So my earning power is less. And so because of the situations I’ve been set up to be in a certain place right now, combined with my choices, that makes it so that it’s not healthy for me to help you, or I cannot help you. Or maybe I can, if we’re well in that area. And then that’s where the dynamics of the different situations come, you know, but it’s also worth my time, if I don’t have time to go to your baby shower, because I’m working, and I’ve had whatever conversations I’ve had with my employer, then that’s the, you know, the financial freedom part of it, that might not have anything to do with whether or not I care about you bringing life into the world, we’re excited, I want to be there, I gotta be at work, because Georgia Power is gonna be knocking like we missed you
Courtney Dorsey 47:25
understand it, like understand, and the thing about is that a lot of times we, we sometimes we don’t think about the past, and we just think about the present, except when it comes to ourselves. But you know, when it comes to other people, we don’t always think about the past. Oh, let me rephrase that. We think about the past, when it comes to relationships, like when we’re in a relationship with somebody when we have a partner, like, you know, he has so much potential, she has so much potential, you know, and I just knew I saw so much in the beginning, you know, so we’re just going to work on that. But when it comes down to our friends, we don’t always do that. We don’t think about where they started from the bottom part of it with us, and where we’re growing. And if that still matches, maybe your friend doesn’t have the financial means. But when your friend when you didn’t have the financial means, was this a good friend to you? Was it what what did this relationship do to get to this point? And a lot of times we often forget, oh, she didn’t come to my baby shower. So I’m going to cut her off. Did this girl show up to everything else? What was her life like what’s going on in her life right now that she couldn’t show up for this event, and really wanted to, and now you’re taking it personally, that she can’t be there. And I just And as we’re all I feel like we’re all guilty of that at some point in our lives where we’re not understanding to people situations. And we’re also guilty of not being honest enough to tell people being prideful or being insecure about our own situations to say, Hey, girl, I really don’t have it like that right now. And so, is there any other thing that I can do to be supportive to you to help with the baby shower, come early and help set up? Do something? And let’s let’s make life more communal?
Christine Gautreaux 49:26
I love that coach, co I have an example from that from this weekend, right? I have a dear friend who was turning 60 And she’s been doing a lot of eldercare lately. So she was a little late on getting her invitations out to her birthday party. And she texted me and she was like, Hey, I’m having this party on on Saturday. You need to come and we’re doing karaoke. You got to sing this song. And one of my go to karaoke songs is a chick song. And so I was like, Oh my gosh, I would so love to be there but I actually have a date to go sing with The chicks in concert. And so I, you know, I can show up late, but it didn’t you know, her party was over at 11. And we didn’t even get to the parking lot till 1115. Right. So I had texted her the next day and was like, so sorry, I miss you. What can we do this week together, because I really want to honor your birthday. And so like we went swimming last night and had a great conversation probably got more quality one on one time, because it wasn’t a big, you know, event. And I got to express how much I loved her and was excited that she was born. And I used to be very good at that when I was younger, like I really wasn’t. And it wasn’t that I didn’t love my friends. I just, you know, was going from one thing to the next. And I still can be guilty of that sometimes and look up and be like, oh, like, some of these apps. I will tell you all Facebook, and I know there’s pros and cons of Facebook, y’all, but it made me a better friend by telling me my friends birthdays. Yeah, I’m just gonna say some of these things that are the electronic supports. I’m like, okay, that made me better for you.
Courtney Dorsey 51:09
Yeah, absolutely. I can’t hold everything in my brain like I used to anymore. Being a teacher, being writing all of that is just I cannot do it. So I have writing, I have a Happy Planner. And I have electronic calendars, and timers. Reminders. It takes a lot to to navigate. But I you know, you said that. It’s about you know, you wasn’t always really good at that being able to do that and navigate that one of the things I wasn’t good at is just thinking past a certain point like I would only I can’t make it, what am I going to do, she’s gonna hate me forever. I don’t know what to do. You know, and I just and sometimes I would just shut down and wouldn’t do anything. And that would make the situation way worse, by just not doing anything because I’m like, I don’t want the confrontation. I don’t want to get into it. I don’t want to lose the friendship. So I’m just not going to do anything, which is way worse. So I had the social awareness piece of it, it requires some growing man, it requires some evolving, and some some hurtful truths. But I think that it can be done
Shannon M. 52:24
at all, it can absolutely be done. And I know we’re about to go to our wisdom and action. Before we do that. I just wanted to say to that, there’s a lot, right, that was one of the things we were nervous about, even though it’s not our fault, right? With the podcast, wellness has a lot to handle these social dynamics, and all these different situations are a lot and especially because we’re not just in small towns anymore. Even if you were in big city before you were just in that city. Now we’re globally connected, and there’s a lot more stimuli. There’s a lot more passwords. I started Yahoo 2005 That was my only email, you know, now I have like, I don’t even know how many emails I have. Now, you know, so it’s different. But what I love the story that you just shoot, Christine, because that’s exactly how it happens, right? You let go of what you can control. You were intentional about your time, you had yourself plugged into your schedule, good job, you were at the concert, singing karaoke with the group that you love, right with singing this song
Christine Gautreaux 53:27
that I would have been singing at her party with 1000 other people,
Shannon M. 53:33
I love that. And I love it. Because like you said, what ended up happening was probably better, more personal, you got to spend more time with just you and her. And that might not that probably wouldn’t have happened at the party. And that’s what I see that happens with social situations. When I let go of what’s not mine to control. I do the Four Agreements, like Coach co you started saying, you know, how are you? I started working on my personal relationship with God, God, show me who I am. Because I don’t I don’t know where to find it on these all these other places don’t know the family that told me can’t ask the world because they’re gonna lie to me. Or estimate it and underestimate it, you know? So let me go to the source. And that has made me a better friend. But again, letting go that stuff is fall it falls together beautifully. And you just move in flow and do a SWOT analysis and keep going. So talking about SWOT analysis, that’s usually one of my action steps. What is our wisdom and action this week for our social wellness, ladies?
Courtney Dorsey 54:34
Ooh, social wellness. Action.
Shannon M. 54:39
We talked about a lot. We talked about feeding your spirit, your soul, we talked about the 300 turtles that Christine saw. Right, coach,
Christine Gautreaux 54:49
we really counted that many y’all It was crazy.
Shannon M. 54:52
I will. I would love to see what it looked like. Right?
Christine Gautreaux 54:55
It was just wild. One thing I also want to lift up as we’re thinking about our wisdom in action I know, Shannon, you and I’ve talked about this a lot and is, and one of our goals for women connected and wisdom is collaboration versus competition. You know, what’s really often common among women is competition. And it’s like, we can collaborate and lift each other up and be really excited for each other and affirm each other. And, you know, there’s plenty of work out there for all of us. There’s plenty guys out there, for all of us, there’s plenty of purses out there, you know, like, we can collaborate instead of compete. And so I was thinking about that, as we were talking about that. So I’m gonna say my wisdom in action is hashtag connection and collaboration.
Shannon M. 55:43
Hmm. I like it. I’m gonna do the the collaboration versus competition. And this is in in spirit of GSM, Apatow, we have a general staff meeting, and they haven’t had it since the last time. Two years ago, when I was back at Papa Windy Hill, and I was in VT voted MVP and won the flat screen competition, right. But I was very intentional about winning this prize with it coming up as a staff member. So now as a manager coming back in and as a business owner, I want to go to this next year sim that we’re about to plan instead of as an individual. helping build the teams and s come together, we have a lot of new stuff right after COVID or during COVID. And go into it thinking about us being a stronger team as a whole. And then as I build the systems for my business, thinking about building my teams out, so collaboration versus competition.
Courtney Dorsey 56:41
And I was going to say wisdom in action. I’m gonna say connecting to the source. And that goes back Shannon to everything that she said about God and getting checking in with yourself and figuring out the good, the bad, the ugly about you so that you’re not projecting. And they you can pull people in the right people into your life. So what’s that affirmation? Christine?
Christine Gautreaux 57:11
Oh, that healthy, playful and reciprocal friendships?
Courtney Dorsey 57:17
I can offer that. Right, then you can get it.
Christine Gautreaux 57:20
Right. Yeah, it’s amazing. And it is so fun. Because then you celebrate them, right? It’s like, it’s just fun. And yeah, you leave like meetings and connections and events, just feeling poured into and you’ve poured into this person too. And send it
Courtney Dorsey 57:40
love what you said about what’s your friend as well, when you said that you guys made that connection, and you probably had more meaningful time. But what the important part is that you saw it, because sometimes people don’t see it. And they don’t think that that’s enough, you know, so we have to connect them to the source will also give us the lens to be able to see all have those beautiful pieces in every situation. Because when we have tunnel vision of the negative, that’s what we’re going to always see.
Shannon M. 58:08
And for me, that’s what community does for me, right? It’s the reminder, it pulls me out of my situations, all of the crazy situations this person passed away this person passed away this verse that I moved and all the tunnel that you can suck yourself into when you’re thinking about what’s going on. When I volunteer, it reminds me that there’s other people going through stuff, right? When I share my trials and trials with my friends, it reminds me that other people have things going on. But community also reminds you of all the great things that you’ve done. Right? And so for me, that’s why it’s so important if I were to isolate myself, who knows where my thought process would go, and that that’s not the whole truth. So if it’s not the whole story, then you start lying to yourself about the magnitude that those situations Said.
Christine Gautreaux 58:57
I just want to say right there to Shannon. Yes, yes, yes. And if you don’t have that community, y’all reach out to us. Women connected and wisdom community can be a part of it, because we do believe in uplifting each other and supporting each other and reflecting back your awesomeness to you. Like Coach coach who I just think I love so much for this conversation for you being a part of our upcoming book for you being one of our featured speaker speakers, just all your awesomeness my friend, so much for being a part of women connect to in wisdom we appreciate you.
Courtney Dorsey 59:37
Thank you guys for inviting me and giving me the opportunity to become a published author because that was a dream of mine. And I feel like I would have never done it without the right push and community. The right listening community women connect the top smashes we call wisdom connect a women connected and wisdom it just
Christine Gautreaux 59:57
does. Thank you my friends. In here, we appreciate you. Yes. Oh my goodness. So fun. Oh,
Shannon M. 1:00:06
keep going. There’s so many to lifepoint go. I feel like I have.
Christine Gautreaux 1:00:09
Yes. Absolutely. And I know we have to jump because we are training our authors tonight book and speaking gigs after they are published authors. So yeah, any last words my friend, anything you want to you want to wrap us up with?
Shannon M. 1:00:27
Let’s see. What I’ll say is that I think we could always use more grace with ourselves, right? Since we’re taught to be so harsh and push and just keep going, especially where we live. And so if you feel like you’re struggling with social wellness or beating yourself up, because you feel like your capacity is not as much as everybody is asking you to do to let that go. If it’s not yours, let go of the weight of Oh, I wish I could have did this or I feel guilty because I can’t support that person. You can only do what you can do. I’m not this Christine asked me for a million dollars. I’m not going to feel bad when I say no because I don’t have it to give her and, and not not today. 720 2022 asked me 365 days. But it’s the same thing. So right you know, put it down. Be genoise Yeah, be gentle, get connected, and you’ll figure it out from there.
Christine Gautreaux 1:01:27
I love it. As always so enjoyed our conversation today my friend.
Shannon M. 1:01:31
Absolutely. Thank you, lady so much for joining us. We’ll see you next week Live at Five and don’t forget, be well be wise. And we hope
Christine Gautreaux 1:01:41
to see you next week.
Unknown Speaker 1:01:48
Thanks for listening. This has been the women connected and wisdom podcast on air live on Wednesdays at 5 pm. Eastern via Facebook and YouTube. Be sure to like share and subscribe be part of the conversation and get connected at women connected in wisdom.com.